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Days of a 20 year old

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Sorry, I have to apologize.  In my quiz "How well do you pay attention," it seems I can't pay attention well because I marked off on one of the questions a wrong answer as being the right answer.  So if you get a 90%, chances are you were 100% right.  See if you can figure out which one I marked wrong...

Nov 29, 2005 I am feeling a little better this morning.  I am still sick, but I woke up energized and ready to work.  Pray I stay this way.  If you look to the left I set up a few new links under "Favorites online."  You will have to forgive me because they were supposed to pop up once you click on them, but these ones don't.  Evidently I did them wrong.  I will be talking to the teacher about this soon.  Anyway, I have class now, so Bye Bye.

Nov 28, 2005 I am SICK!!  Cough, Cough.  Tamar wont leave me alone either.  He is making fun of my cough.  This is so not fun.  I have been sick for 6 days and I still haven't done any of my school work for this week.  I was going to do it all during Thanksgiving break, but somehow that didn't happen.  Thanksgiving was fun though.  I had 3 different meals, 3 days in a row.  Yes, I feel bad for those who were not as fortunate, but I guess that's the only real benefit of divorce.  Both of your parents have a need to celebrate with their kids (Go figure).  Everything else about divorce isn't that great though, but if both parents handle it well, it'll get better through time.  I know my parents handled it well.  Neither made the other parent look bad by expressing any bitterness or contempt held for the other.  My brother and I were not in the middle of the conflict. 

So, anyway, I have a lot to do within the next 2 weeks.  I want to get as many make up assignments done for all of my classes.  I have a presentation to do in Web Page Design on this site.  I pray it goes well.  I know mine isn't as great as others, but I don't really understand some of the stuff we covered.  I guess that's my own fault because I haven't really talked to the teacher about it yet.  It is a little frustrating for me.  I am so busy all the time, but other people will need my help with something.  It's hard because I find so much joy in seeing others finally understand or accomplish what they are trying to accomplish.  I took a gift assessment and scored well for teaching.  It excites me to use my gift which is one of the reasons why I don't plan on doing as many classes next semester.  My mom has been pressuring me because if I don't do as many classes I am going to be in school longer.  She tells me that my senior year in college is going to be my brother's freshman year in college and my dad cannot cosign that much in loans.  I am looking into getting a credit card to establish my credit now, so that in 2 years I can apply for my own loans.  However, I am not looking forward to student interest!

Nov 16, 2005 I have been excited and stressed; it's a weird combo for me.  I spent most of yesterday sleeping and I don't know if it is just because I am sleepy, healing, or depressed about something.  But on the other hand, I am excited about this new job that Tamar and I going to get started on Friday.  I really like what I am going to be doing (if you want more info about this, email me).  But other than that, I haven't sent out my letter to my Biological father yet.  I am praying on whether or not I should.  I'd like to tell him how I feel, but some of the things I said in the letter may not be my place to say.  I don't know.  Part of me just want to hurt him, the other part wants to love him.  I did talk to my younger brother Ryan last week.  He seemed good and glad to hear form me, but the whole time that I was on the phone with him, Mark (Bio-father) didn't bother to say hi.  He knew I was on, too.  But in a way, I am glad that he didn't because I am not ready to talk to him yet.  Thanksgiving is in a week.  I am nervous because in like two weeks after that the semester is over.  I have so much that I have due and have to make up.  AHHHHHH

Nov 7, 2005 Today has been an emotional day for me.  I don't quite know why, but I have been feeling all sorts of stress.  The whole Tamar-loan issue is a small part of it.  I want to help him, but I feel so helpless.  He is doing well though.  Better than me.  He is being strong in spite of his own situations and stress.  I have lots of other things bothering me.  One of those is my whole Biological father situation.  There isn't a short story to it, but to summarize I met my Biological father over the summer.  I sought him out myself and initiated what I was duped into thinking was going to be a great relationship.  I knew it was gonna take time, but he did something worse.  When I was a one year old, he left me and my mom.  Right now I feel as though he abandoned me all over again.  I might go into further detail some other time, but right now all it does is makes me cry.  I wrote him a letter explaining my hurts and the issues I had with him.  I haven't sent it yet.  I want to go through a few more times to make sure I said everything I want to say.  But one thing a friend help me realize is that I need to forgive him.  Not for him, but for me.  It is so hard because I just want to be mad at him, but she helped define forgiveness.  It doesn't say I trust you now, trust must be earned.  It doesn't say I have forgotten.  It is a gift to me, so I can go on and not be affected by his wrongdoing.  It makes sense, I am just letting him control me.  One thing is for sure, it makes me reflect on the good people in my life, like my mom, my dad (Step-dad, I consider him my father), my siblings, my boyfriend Tamar, and my Lord Jesus.  And I have been so blessed to live a life without him in it.  I believe that some of the opportunities I have had, I wouldn't have had were he in my life.  I must cling on these things and be blessed, so I wont have to feel worthless over what one man has done.

Nov 5, 2005 I am feeling a little awkward because Tamar is braiding my hair.  And I'm MAD because I can't get rid of that little arrow that keeps showing even though it doesn't show on the page I am typing this on.  It is seriously getting on my nerves.  This has been an emotional day.  Actually, not as much as yesterday.  But anyway, I found out yesterday that one of Tamar's major loans has been denied because his mother had declared Bankruptcy within the past few years.  She was his cosigner.  Now we have serious financial stress because he wants to stay and I definitely want him to stay.  He has bad credit and doesn't have a credit-worthy cosigner.  This sucks!  I really want to see him do well.  Plus, I love spending time with him.  I don't have the money to help him to stay either.  I am so scared things are not going to work out.  I cried before work yesterday.  It hurts because I know that he works hard.  He was already telling me the day before that he wakes up in the morning thinking that he really wants to quit.  He is failing his only two classes even though he puts so much effort into them.  I don't understand.  I have so many questions.  Why am I so fortunate?  Oh Lord, I'm tearing up again.

Nov 1, 2005 So it has been a week since I last typed in anything.  Well, I have been very busy, but I have a lot that I want to say.  Tamar's mom came up this past weekend and she stayed in my room.  I went crazy last Friday as I prepared by cleaning, and buying stuff like soap and towels for her comfort.  She wound up bringing her own stuff, but I at least wanted her to feel comfortable.  I was nervous but it wound up being a better weekend than I thought it would be.  When she came Saturday, we hung out at the mall spending little cash as possible (in other words: we window shopped) and then went to go see "Prime" in the movie theater.  It was ok, in my opinion the message directed toward premarital sex as an ok thing.  I did like the point about how self-sacrifice is showing someone you truly love them. 

Before we saw the movie, Tamar's mom sat down with me and shared her heart with me.  I was ready to cry.  She said that she was proud of me and that I had proved to her that I was good for her son and that I cared for him.  She had liked me at first, but not as a potential life mate for her son because Tamar is black and I am white.  But I had helped her to see that it didn't matter because I had always been there for her son, especially when he was in the hospital for his sickle cell crisis.  Then Sunday before she left, she told me that when the day comes she will be happy to call me her daughter.  Then she emphasized not anytime soon.  LOL

Yesterday was Halloween.  Caralee, a friend of mine, and I had a presentation on "Ritual Abuse."  It is interesting that our presentation had to be on Halloween.  I have to say that it is crazy what happens virtually everyday, but especially on Halloween.  Not only that, but children who are victims of Ritual abuse have no idea that it is wrong.  I don't want to go into the gory details, but what happens isn't sweet or sugarcoated in any way.  Don't be fooled!

Oct 24, 2005  Ok.  Two in a row, not bad.  So far today has been slightly interesting.  I went to sleep last night after having a 3 hour talk with one of my friends.  I literally went to bed at like 4 in the morning.  So, I skipped my first period of class and then chapel.  Come on, I was tired, I would have probably slept through them as well.  The only difference was that I got out of bed and dragged myself to sit there.  I am a little frustrated because right now I cant get this on the internet for people to see.  It is so complicated, I need to get the URL to connect with this page which is under the Front Page application.  Is there hope, I ask myself.

So anyway, about my day.  I woke up about five minutes til eleven when I received a phone call from my boyfriend.  He was on his way back from visiting home over the weekend and he had been very irritated.  I don't blame him for the stuff he was irritated about, but did he have to take it out on me?  It's all good.  I just smiled and nodded as he poured out his heart, thinking to myself, am I supposed to say anything or just listen, or what?  I know that he struggles too, but why was Jesus the only perfect man created?  It is soooooooooooo not fair!  I am just kidding.  If it weren't for Jesus, I wouldn't have salvation, redemption, and deliverance.  Thank God, Tamar has those things, too.  But being 20 and a Christian is still a very hard thing.  People look at Christianity and think that all in one instance we were made to be perfect.  Heck No!  It is a process and I am a work in progress.  I am just glad that even so, God has not rejected me even though that would be fair for Him to do.

Well, I got some school work to do now and I gotta figure this out.  But I just wanted to say Hi!  Well...Bye now!

Oct 23, 2005  So I haven't been faithful to this online journal thing.  It is just sooooooooooo Crazy, college life and all.  Not even just school work, but all the other areas of your life that you put 110% in.  Quiet time with God has been unfortunately been put on a back burner until like yesterday for me.  I love God and every thing He has done for me, but I have found it hard to make time for reading His word and not running around like crazy.  Last night I read about King Uzziah and I had to be reminded of the consequences of forgetting the One who supplies and takes care of every need.  God helped King Uzziah become prosperous until King Uzziah became to prideful to honor God.  I don't want to get like that.  So, this morning I sought God as he directed my day.  Honestly, I don't think that I did as much as I usually do, but I took time to relax and do some of the things that I have wanted to do but haven't because of time.  For example, I took a walk on the nature trail and then went for a run through it.  I read my Celebration of Disciplines book, cough, cough, not last minute.  I even took the time out to make a list of the things that I need to do this week for each class and the things that I owe as late assignments.

Some other areas of my life that I consider critical, I think I can say family, friends, and my boyfriend are all one area.  The people I interact with day by day take time.  Seriously!  I love my boyfriend and I am glad to be with him, but, y'all, boyfriends want to be with you everyday and if you cant see each other, you talk on the phone everyday, maybe even more than once a day.  I have to say though, I am so glad that I at least have someone that I can share with on an intellectual level and a spiritual level.  At least, I don't feel weighed down because then we'd have a problem.  And parents, well, I am just glad that my parents don't call me everyday, but sometimes I wish they would call a little more often.  Let me know that your thinkings of me or that I am important to you.  I especially wish my biological father would call me.  It has seriously been since my birthday since I have talked to him and I just met him for the first like ever this past summer.  I know it is the right timing, but I still keep asking God why.  Why is this His timing?

And then little things like work, uh, my desire to just get married, and I don't know, money, and the little things in life.  As a Christian, it is wonderful to have a relationship with God and know where you are going when you die.  But with knowledge comes responsibility, and I think when God passed out responsibility or the desire to do all that you can to help, He put a little more in my hands.  But that may not be true, sometimes I put more on my plate than I need to and worse, I allow myself to worry over it.  Well, I got some school work to get to.  After all, that's why I am in the library and refusing to stay a hermit for the night.  LOL

Oct 4, 2005  This has been a rough morning to get up to.  I was supposed to have two assignments done last night before my 7:55am class, but I am sitting in here in class without them completed.  As much as I love college and like my work, it is hard to deal.  Since the emergency room trip yesterday, I haven't been able to focus on any school work.  I even missed my night class to get some sleep, but I couldn't get myself to fall asleep.  I just stayed up playing an online video game. 

Oct 3, 2005  I have been in the emergency room all day today.  Tamar had a sickle cell crisis and he was in a lot of pain.  I don't think I was scared.  Ok, I was a little scared.  After all, other than God, that was that was the love of my life who I had to bring there.  No one wants to see the ones they love in a position like that.  Even though I knew he would be alright, I can't fully understand his pain and I definitely cant take it away from him.  Tear.  But the cool thing was that I was reading him our chapter from Celebration of Discipline and there was a man who was in the same room as us who was a Christian, too.  He had a lot of input on the chapter and we really got to fellowship and encourage him in his faith.  I even gave him my copy of the book, but he did tell me he was illiterate.  I didn't care, I felt a strong urge to give it to him anyway.  I pray he does read it though.

Oct 2, 2005  What can I say.  I still don't feel any older.  But we did get to go to Popeye's today.  Ummmm.

Oct 1, 2005  My 20th Birthday!!!  Tamar, my boyfriend, surprised me, today.  Actually, the whole story is quite interesting.  Ever since I can think back Birthdays were not a priority for others when it came to me.  If I had them, they usually were late because something else more important came up.  Or my mom just couldn't afford to like my sweet sixteen for example.  And I definitely never had a surprise party.  Bummer.  So when Tamar called me this morning and told me that he just couldn't afford to do anything for my birthday, all I could do was lie and tell him that "I'm not disappointed."  Heck Ya, I was disappointed.  I cried for like an hour.  And then I decided that I'd throw my own party.  Actually, I have to blame my mom for given me that thought because I remember her once telling me that she had to throw her own birthdays when she was younger.  With my mother's strength, I decided that I didn't want to wallow in misery, so yeah, I got up and posted a note on Facebook about my party and went to buy some stuff for it.  When I went to buy my cake, I ran into my friend Lisa.  She asked me about my cake and I told her that it was for my birthday party.  She asked me why she wasn't invited and I told her that everyone was invited and that it was planned last minute.  Here comes the tearjerker question.  "Who's planning your birthday party," she asks me.  Why did she have to ask that question?  I fought off the tears and told her that I didn't want to talk about it.  She asked me again until finally I just broke down and told her I was.  She told me to put away the cake and told me the truth about how she and Tamar were throwing me a surprise birthday.  After that I think I cried (tears of joy) for an hour on Tamar's shoulder as I was forced to explain why I would throw my own birthday party.  The party was fun though.  We had cake, I got some presents, and we all watched the movie Guess Who.  Yes that movie is awesome!  And the sweetest part was when Tamar gave me this beautiful gold necklace that was heart shaped with a small diamond in the middle at the Wendy's parking lot.  Oh the memories that I will cherish.